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Various

"The Wit and Humor of America, Volume III. (of X.)"

It was a sure lu-lu.
"'Now,' I says to 'em, 'gentlemen, speakin' o' pastors, I got one here I
want to recommend. It has one advantage anyhow; it won't cost you a
cent. I'll make you a present of it, and also chip in, as heretofore,
toward operatin' expenses.' That caught old Jake Hicks--worth a hundred
thousand dollars, and stingier 'n all git-out. He leaned over and
listened, same as if he was takin' 'em right off the bat. He's a retired
farmer. If you'll find me a closer boy than a retired farmer moved to
town, you can have the best plug hat in my store.
"'You observe,' I says, 'that he has the leadin' qualifications of all
and comes a heap cheaper than most. He is swivel mounted; that is, the
torso, so to speak, is pinioned onto the legs, so that the upper part of
the body can revolve. This enables him to rotate freely without bustin'
his pants, the vest bein' unconnected with the trousers.
"'Now, you stand this here, whom we will call John Henry, at the door of
the church as the congregation enters, havin' previously wound him up,
and there he stays, turning around and givin' the glad hand and cheery
smile, and so doth his unchangin' power display as the unwearied sun
from day to day, as the feller says. Nobody neglected, all pleased. You
remember the last pastor wasn't sociable enough, and there was
considerable complaint because he didn't hike right down after the
benediction and jolly the flock as they passed out.


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